He’s made it clear he’s moved on. He’s in a new relationship and stopped all contact.
You feel empty; all happiness has been sucked out of your life. You know you should let it go, you should move on and forget him. But you can’t stop thinking of him.
The more you try to not think about him the more you do. Then you swing back on yourself knowing it’s wrong to be doing that. What’s the matter with you? Soon you’re in a downward spiral of self-blame.
Putting your attention on trying not to think about someone is the same as thinking about them. It’s another way you’re still investing your energy and giving them attention. It’s a vicious circle that seems impossible to change.
If you don’t stop the obsessive thoughts you can end up spending months and even years focusing on someone other than yourself and hating yourself for it. This will cause you more than just wasted time; it will rob you of your confidence. This is what it means to give your power away.
There are tools you can use to change your obsessive thoughts and stop beating yourself up for having them. They entail taking action on your behalf. These actions will lead you towards yourself and away from him.
Here are 3 tools you can use to stop thinking of him:
1. Take control of your thoughts. This is the only way change will happen. Any change you want to make in life requires that you first change your thinking. To do that you have to start practicing self-control. You can’t let your habitual thought patterns continue. You’ll have to stop focusing on the past (what was) and stay out of the future (what could have been).
The key to making this work is that whenever you catch yourself dwelling in the past or future, you bring your mind back to the present reality. You have a life to lead and as hard as it is to accept, he’s no longer a part of that. You have people and situations around you that need your focus and attention. Your family, your work and your friends all need you to be showing up as best you can.
The more you focus on what the present moment needs from you the less you’ll find yourself dwelling on thoughts of him.
2. Take yourself seriously. What does taking yourself seriously mean? It means caring about yourself and your life more than anyone or anything else. It may sound selfish but that’s how we learn to love ourselves.
You’re the one constant in your life. You’re the only person who’ll be with you every moment from your birth until death. No one else will be as invested in your well being. You’re therefore the best person to take care of you.
So how seriously are you taking yourself when you give so much of your attention to a man who isn’t there for you? Do you honestly want to choose that pain for yourself?
When you take yourself seriously you can’t help but support and respect yourself. The more that becomes the way you think, the more you’ll let things go that no longer serve you.
3. Use your pain for learning. Accept that your thoughts about him are natural. Even if it seems you can’t stop thinking of him, your thoughts don’t make you bad or wrong. You had hopes and dreams of a future with this man. You shared experiences that you’ll never forget. It’s impossible to just erase him from your memory and stop thinking about him. Thoughts about your relationship are part of your grieving process and will eventually lead to your healing so you can move on.
But instead of dwelling in the sadness of your memories you can approach them with new eyes. Use them to see what you can learn about yourself so you can do better next time. We all can improve and become better people.
Ask yourself if there’s anything you’d now do differently. How did you show up in the relationship? Were you authentic? Were you loving? Were you honest? As you answer these questions you’ll learn more about yourself, which is always interesting.
These tools will sooth your pain and give you much needed emotional distance. And because you’re the only person you can change, you’ll be able to get back your confidence and personal power.
Use these tools in any situation, they will help you grow and become a woman who creates her own happy future.