I saw a comment written in response to an article on how hard it is to find a good man. More than the article, the comment itself caught my attention.
Stevio had written: “Finding the right woman today for a straight man like me is very hard, especially that many women now have such an attitude problem and are so very hard to start a conversation with.”
I could feel the frustration of Stevio, I figure he has probably suffered a lot of rejection and hurt in his search for love. He considers himself one of the good men but he feels that he’s invisible to women.
As I read his words I had a tweak of guilt, a sense that he was talking about me. Even though it was years ago, I’m afraid I was one of those women who wouldn’t give him the time of day. I thought I deserved to find one of the good men but actually I didn’t. I remember giving the cold shoulder to any man who approached me who didn’t live up to my expectations of good looks and physical attraction.
At the time I didn’t think twice about what I was doing, all I saw in front of me was a man who “wasn’t my type” and therefore he didn’t have a lot of importance. I’m embarrassed to say that I was treating these men as “things” — a complaint many women, including myself, have had about the way they’ve been treated by men.
What was I thinking all those years ago? I had lost sight of my humanity and I had very little compassion for men. I felt separate from them and believed that they were strong and that they didn’t feel the way I did. I assumed they could handle rejection; after all they had doled it out to me, a lot.
I remember times I caused pain in good men who were trying to get to know me. I remember not doing a very good job of hiding the fact that I was bored and disinterested. I remember walking away in search of a man who would be more exciting and more of a challenge, in other words a man who would inevitably break my heart. What a terrible and sad mistake I was making.
If this behavior is all too familiar it’s time to admit it so you can change it. Are there men who approach you regularly who you don’t even acknowledge as real people? Do you only keep score of the attractive and youthful men around you and discount any other man who might be trying to get your attention?
Good men are all around you.
I’m not asking you to give yourself to someone who isn’t a fit for you, but I want you to be kind and open to possibility. In a survey of happily married women, 75% of them said they ended up marrying a man who was not their type, some one they weren’t initially attracted to.
Let’s be more open and kind to good men. Let’s give them credit for making an effort and trying to know us in the face of everything we do them. They too have a fear rejection.
Let’s give the good men, like Stevio, a chance to have the conversation he’s asking for. Kindness is a necessity for love. It’s time to practice kindness and see where it will lead.