≡ Menu

When He Breaks Up With You

One of life’s certainties is that along the way you will have to let go of some people, places and things, even when you don’t want to. Letting go requires releasing the emotional attachment and moving forward in your life.

One of the hardest times to let go is when a relationship comes to end before its time. When you are faced with someone letting you go first, it seems unfair and particularly cruel. You will ask yourself over and over again why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong?

No matter what the circumstances of your breakup, no matter who is “at fault,” in the end you will have to let go and move on with your life. This will feel like a small death and, in truth, it is. The relationship has died, taking away with it all the good memories of the past and the dreams for the future.

You need to give yourself time to morn, to allow yourself to feel the pain of loss. It’s important that you go through this time without judging yourself as being weak or feeling sorry for yourself. If you put off this very important step you may find yourself unable to let go for a very long time. If you push down and avoid the pain you are feeling it will only fester within you. It will shake your confidence and chip away at your self-esteem. It will drain your energy and can manifest in your body as sickness or fatigue.

The practical part of you now needs a voice to balance the emotional. When you have allowed the tears to flow and given yourself time to feel the loss, you need to dig deep inside and discover what you can learn form your experience. You don’t want the ending of the relationship to define the time you shared, it’s important to acknowledge what was positive and hold on to that.

It’s particularly hard to believe that they no longer love you in the same way, because you still love them. But if they have told you it is over, it’s best to take them at their word. It’s time to fully accept that his feelings for you have changed. It’s futile to try to reason or to argue: you can’t make someone love you. For reasons known or unknown, the man you love has decided that he no longer wants to be with you. That is painful to accept, but ultimately it is more painful to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

You may long for the early days of the relationship when everything felt good and you were both so in love. You may actually wish you could go back in time and relive that time all over again. But if you did, you would inevitably end up back at this point. There is no escaping the way things have unfolded.

There is only one sure way to relieve the pain of a break-up: acceptance. The pain you feel is caused by the part of you that doesn’t want to let go, that doesn’t want to believe that things have changed. This part of you keeps you thinking about him obsessively as if somehow you can just will him back to you. This will only prolong your suffering.

You believe you have to power to get him back, but the only power you have is over yourself and how you feel. Being able tolet go gracefully and to accept what has happened will be a big relief.

As hard as it is, you need to take your eyes of him and recommit to your life, to make yourself a priority. The one constant in your life is you – and you are the one thing you will never have to let go.

{ 4 comments… add one }
  • Anonymous January 10, 2011, 8:35 am

    Thanks for this post, I found it very informative. There are a lot of "how to get him back" advice columns out there, and yours is one of the few voices of reason on this subject. To me, the man who breaks up with you and doesn't want to be with you is, by definition, NOT your soul mate. Just why anyone would want to be with someone who doesn't love them is beyond me. I'm still dreaming of finding the man who never wants to leave my side.

  • Anonymous January 11, 2011, 6:36 am

    I'm 45 yrs old, and my boyfriend of 6.5 yrs just ended things a week ago. We've been back and forth, on and off, almost the entire time, but I believed he was "the one". It's hard right now to imagine the rest of my life without him in it…we also grew up together, so he's been a part of my life for MOST of my life…but I'm slowing starting to realize what he said – that we're too different in too many ways to make it work. Part of me will always love him, but it's time to take time for myself and my daughter, and hopefully…eventually…find someone that makes me a priority in their life. Thank you SO much for these articles…they help immensely.

  • Anonymous February 14, 2011, 12:55 am

    Hi Virginia,
    I am 29 years old. In my life this far I have only had 2 boyfriends. It was the second that I was hopelessly in love with. He broke up with me 7 years ago now. I've spent my 20's longing for him. Even after he broke up with me, he kept in contact and as my feelings never changed, I treasured and clung to that contact, as empty as it was. 3 years ago, he began calling me every single night. We would stay on the phone for hours and fall asleep, just like when we were together. He would call me during the day too. I have phone bills that show we have talked 8,000 minutes in a month! But he has insisted since the beginning he has no romantic feelings for me. I've been a stubborn fool. I thought what kind of man could be on the phone 8,000 minutes a month with a girl who lives across the country, that he hasnt seen in person for years, if he has no feelings for her. But time and time again he has said he doesn't. I think finally now I believe him. I'm not really sure what my lesson in all this was. what my gold is. That would be nice to know, but I think at least now I have fully let him go. Now maybe I won't have to be single another 7 years.. I've met a guy at my work that I am crazy about and I suppose that has helped me get over my ex. But I sure did love him. I just wish these 3 years didn't happen. Or maybe they were supposed to, to give me the closure of knowing he doesn't care. Cause when he left me, broke up with me over the phone, I never believed it was over for him. You are a wonderful woman Virginia! I love this site. P.S. Like you I called a psychic and asked about the feelings my ex has for me. She told me he is my soulmate… Since my talk with her he has disappeared. Funny isn't it?

  • Lily March 6, 2011, 2:42 pm

    Hi Virginiam
    I found this article really helpful. I was with my boyfriend for 8 years. He did not want to live together, or get engaged, and I did. I made the mistake of not having a high degree of difficulty, so rather door-matted myself, hoping he would find me “good enough” finally, and propose. He did the opposite, he broke up with me 9 months ago. I have been reading Christian Carter, and listening to Rory Raye’s Relationship Expert series and I have learned so much. I have been working hard to get my self esteem where it should be. Of course I should have broken up with him after just two years of dating, that is long enough to get to know someone to decide if they are THE ONE. And for me, he was the one. But I now realize that if we did not have the same relationship goals, that no matter how compatible we seemed to be, no matter how fabulous our sex was, how great we felt around each other, we were not as compatible as I had thought for 8 long years. I say to all women reading this, if you are in a relationship with a man who is not meeting your needs for a committment, walk away from him. He is keeping his options open if he refuses to live with you and move towards getting engaged. Take this advice from someone who has been terribly hurt by putting my man’s needs before my own. And he most likely ended up losing respect for me, and I lost myself. DO EVER lose yourself, or love him more than you love yourself. Thanks, Virginia, for all your great advice.

Leave a Comment

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.