It’s not easy to spot a man who’s emotionally unavailable, especially if you’ve just started dating. But some unavailable men are easier to recognize, they have a built-in warning that you can either pay attention to or chose to ignore. These men are married or already in a relationship — from the start you know that you are going to be sharing them with someone else.
If you get involved with an openly unavailable man most likely you’ll be causing yourself a good deal of heartache and pain. You may hope that given time things will change and you will become their one-and-only, but that’s usually not the case. Instead you will find yourself dealing with a lot of drama because you’re unhappy and not getting your needs met. If you can avoid getting involved do so; these relationships are typically not easy to break away from.
The “practiced” unavailable man will at first sweep you off your feet. He will appear to be the very opposite of who he really is. These are the men you usually fall for quickly and hard.
Because he has likely been in and out of many relationships he knows how to seduce you; to tease you by giving just enough of himself to make you feel important. He will talk about a future with you and express how glad he is to have found you. He intuitively knows what you want to hear to entice and make you feel special.
But it doesn’t take long for this overly attentive unavailable man to hit his “emotional wall.” He will start to feel trapped and a loss of freedom the closer he gets to you and the more time you spend together.
He will begin to make excuses for why he can’t fully commit to you and begin to pull away. The most common excuses are:
- He’s not ready to settle down
- He hasn’t gotten over a past love
- He’s been too hurt to trust again
- His work is all important
- He doesn’t think he can be monogamous
If you begin to hear these excuses from a man pay attention. They indicate that there is a limit that he’s reached and he can’t go any further.
This is not a time for you to try to convince him to think differently or to push yourself on him. Don’t blame him for his feelings or make him wrong. You need to accept that what he says is real to him — no matter how much you disagree.
It’s time to retreat and assess your situation with honesty. You have to be willing to see the truth of what is happening in the present without reminiscing about the past.
There’s always a chance that he is going through some personal doubts about the two of you and he needs time to get used to the idea of a deeper commitment. That could be a good thing if he is emotionally ready to grow.
But if you know in your gut that you’re man has habitually gone through this pattern of withdrawal before, you most likely won’t get more depth from him than he’s already given. It’s time to pull back and leave him to his excuses.
Unavailable men are hard to spot, but if you pay attention and learn from your experiences, you’ll develop the ability to recognize them before you get involved. You’ll then stop wasting your time and emotional energy on what you can’t have and leave yourself free to meet the man who is ready to commit to you.