I’ve written a good deal about bad boys; how to recognize them and avoid getting your heart broken. But bad boys aren’t the only dangerous men out there — you need to watch out for the “super nice guys” as well.
What’s so dangerous about a super nice guy?
Well, just like a super nice women, super nice guys bend over backwards not to hurt your feelings. They want to avoid conflict at any cost and so they “make nice.” They shy away from expressing how they feel about things if they think you won’t agree.
The danger of getting involved with a super nice guy is that they send mixed messages about how they feel. They’ll be open with you and yet something doesn’t feel quite right. He’ll talk about the future and express just what you want to hear; he’ll tell you he wants marriage and kids. Naturally you assume that since you’re dating him his future dreams would include you. But do they? Something doesn’t seem quite right and you can’t put your finger on it. You find yourself second-guessing your feelings and questioning the truth of your relationship.
Here’s what makes this situation so hard. A super nice guy really cares about you, he enjoys your company. But he is so nice he would do anything to avoid hurting your feelings — so he will never admit that he’s “not in love with you.” Rather than make waves, he’ll spend his time with you until someone better comes along.
The reality is that you are not who he has envisioned for his future but he is afraid to tell you. He doesn’t want to lose your company or the comfort of having someone he likes to go out with. You are easy and “good enough” to fill the time until that special woman comes along.
How do you recognize the guy who’s super nice?
1. He talks about the future without including you specifically.
2. He attends to your needs more than his own, usually out of guilt for not feeling fully engaged with you.
3. He avoids disagreements preferring always to keep things status quo between you.
4. When you ask him directly how he feels about you, he’s unsure and indirect. He may say he deeply cares for you but follow that with, “I need more time” or “I’m not ready for a full commitment yet.”
5. Your relationship seems to plateau at a certain point and stop growing.
Super nice guys can end up wasting a lot of your precious time. The mixed messages he’s sending will make feel conflicted about breaking up with him because after all, he treats you so well and he obviously likes you. Let’s face it, sometimes you can be just like him and choose the easy way. You can rationalize that having a boyfriend is better than being alone. You can tell yourself that maybe his feelings will change. But then you’re being just like him — settling.
True love relationships get deeper and stronger with time. If that isn’t happening — you’ll have to be the bad guy and break it off.