There’s nothing more gut wrenching than the breaking up of a relationship you’ve been totally invested in. You’re not just losing a man, you are experiencing the end of the dream you had for your future together.
People will tell you to “get over it.” They’ll finally be straight with you and admit that they never thought he was a good boyfriend for you in the first place. They’ll tell you they never saw you two together for the long run.
Then they will give you all the reasons you should be happy it’s over. How breaking up with him was the best thing for both of you, after all he never treated you well, he didn’t support your interests, and he kept you from your family and friends.
This belated advice and unsolicited opinions will just fuel the fire of you longing to have him back. Your friends mean well, but they’re not meeting you where you are; in the deep pain of your loss.
So how do you survive breaking up with a man you are still in love with and can’t get out of your mind? You have to dive into the pain and give yourself some important time alone — away from the opinions of others.
During this time it’s important for you to allow the feelings of hurt, resentment, anger and despair to have their say. And as you grieve, a great way to help yourself through it is to start writing down your thoughts and feelings.
One helpful exercise is to make lists of your feelings. For example, I am hurt because…I am angry because…I am scared because. As you dig deeper into these emotions, you will find that like removing the layers of an onion, you will feel more and more connected to the truth of your feelings.
This is the gold you can take away from this experience, the gift of taking care of yourself and getting to know yourself at a deeper level.
This writing exercise can release you from the built-up pressure of stuffing down your pain and trying to get over breaking up before you’re ready. It will also help you get more clarity on how much you’ve invested in the relationship and whether the pain you’re uncovering is about the man you lost specifically, or more about losing the dream of being together, or possibly getting married.
Breaking up can help you learn more about you
If you don’t give yourself this time alone, to face your feelings and get into the emotions that are making you feel crazy and out of control, your recovery will be longer.
It’s up to you how you use this time. It’s a great opportunity to increase your self-awareness and create more intimacy with yourself.
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.”~Kahil Gibran