I believe that if I’d been ready for a deep love and marriage in my 20’s I would have created it for myself. It took writing my book and reviewing my early years to really understand what was going on with me and how I was lying to myself much of the time.
It’s not a pretty thing to remember, and seriously, it’s a miracle that I ended up in such a great marriage to such a wonderful man. I know for a fact that miracles can happen in love if you make yourself ready for them.
I took lots of risks in my early days, both emotionally and physically, but back then it didn’t seem dangerous, it just seemed exciting.
If there was a “bad boy” in the room, I had to make him mine — my attraction to him would be so strong I had to have him! I didn’t even care if he was there with another woman, my need to connect with him overruled my common sense and I couldn’t stop myself from pursuing him.
It was like going after the cheese in a mousetrap, I was totally oblivious to what was going to happen to me once a took a nibble.
So I have to ask myself, what made my attraction to bad boys so strong and all consuming? I know now it was because we were a perfect match on one very fundamental level: we were both afraid to commit.
At the time I thought I was being completely open and available to love. Infact, when I compared myself to my women friends, I thought I was having a better time in my relationships then they were. They could commit to love, but their lives seemed dull and their choice in men baffled me, they seemed so safe.
On the other hand my love life was full of excitement and drama, there was always something happening that seemed to be earth shaking. I had no idea I was afraid to commit; I lived like a junky on love, always looking for the next exciting fix.
I thought this was love, but of course it wasn’t…in fact it was as far away from true love as I could get. I didn’t even know what that would look like. The bad boys I went after had walls around their feelings, just like me. We created drama to distract us from our real and deeper feelings.
I was afraid to commit because I didn’t know how to be vulnerable.
I didnt’ know how to be emotionally available to a man.
So I encourage you to take a look at your history with men. If you’re choosing men who care afraid to commit to you, you might consider getting help in this area from me or someone else who’s been there.
That’s what I eventually had to do, but it made all the difference. You can change this pattern and be ready to get married now.